By Nathaniel Missildine on the McSweeney’s website.
Picking and Presenting the Right Corsage
This is crucial for many reasons, none of which I can go into. Select a corsage that comes in an oddly anachronistic box. Arrive at your date’s house and present the corsage first. Then greet her mother and father warmly and promise you’ll have their daughter home before midnight. Laugh together about this, even though you have no idea what exactly you’re laughing about, nor why the father’s entire head has turned a very unnatural purple color and is ballooning in size. Don’t spend any time trying to figure out what’s happening, however. After the father excuses himself, your date will descend the staircase very slowly. Pin the corsage on in the same slow motion. Be careful here not to stare too long at the flower once it’s pinned on your date, as you may get a brief glimpse of your own yawning face aged 20 years and wearing brazenly applied clown makeup for a reason that is not yet clear to you. Bid the mother good night. “Gosh,” you might want to say to yourself, “maybe the yellow corsage would have been better.”